2002-12-20 Newsgroup post: How do we get to do the things we do?

A new poster in the newsgroup asked how people had developed their skills or practices. This is edited from my reply:

Mrs. Thorney and I have a very different relationship from many in this group. As I've said, she doesn't think of herself as kinked or 'sub', just as keeping me happy. We've tinkered a lot, and some things that others might regard as pretty extreme are very common for us, other things we do are so mild as to make it unclear that it is D/S. We've developed things over time.

A lot of our stuff is regular. predictable ritual that doesn't require words on a daily basis. E.g. there is a night light in the bedroom, floor level (I have poor eyesight, and like looking at her.) She is expected to kneel down naked to turn it on at night (and off in the morning, unless I'm too sated to notice, which is frequent.) I may or may not go over to pat her bottom, etc., but she knows I'm watching. I prefer having her naked as she makes the bed, too, but don't always insist on it. Of course, my touching her frequently and intimately is basic.

How did we get started at some of these things? Hard to recall. Sometimes, in a sense, I led by example. I think a couple of times when her feet were tired, I rubbed them. Then once when she offered to rub mine, I said, "how about kissing them instead?' From there we went to her kneeling for it, then to kneeling naked -- usually with encouragement rather than command. ("Boy, I bet it would be sexy if you'd kneel down naked to do that." "Wow, are you absolutely delicious in that pose. I'm going to ask for that more often.") [She says: no, she thought of it, after seeing the bride kiss the groom's feet in a Hindu wedding. Her memory is surely right.]

Her: "What would you like for supper?" Me: "A bottomless waitress."

A couple of years ago, someone in the group fantasized about bathroom rituals (needing permission to pee). We talked about that off and on. She said, at her age, bathroom breaks are free. But then she allowed as how it had always seemed unfair that discussions were cut off for bathroom breaks, that with the kids gone it seemed silly to have to close the bathroom door,... Somehow we got from there to the idea that I'd follow her to the john and she' lick my cock while she peed. We did that 'as a rule' for a full week to develop the habit, but now treat it as optional (but frequent) when the mood strikes, anywhere from three times a day to occasionally skipping a whole day.

A lot of what we do obviously has different mental sets for the two of us, and that is fine for us. When we shower together, I'm having my slave girl submissively wash my genitals; she on the other hand is being possessive and playing with her toys. No harm done, we both enjoy.

More examples relavant to other points in the newsgroup dialogue. We do more but than I describe here but I want to show the principles. One possibility is to include some things you want to do anyway (vanilla things), but invest them with D/S language and ritual.

Our general principle has been to experiment freely, keep what we find works for us, toss what doesn't, talk about it a lot. As I've said before, we are very equal in most ways, the idea is to satisfy both of us. She gets attention and affection, I get lots of sex and sex play, I get my kinks to play with in ways that don't cross her boundaries, which have (slowly) proved to be much more flexible than either of us expected.

Our system depends a lot on Mrs. Thorney being explicitly told to "top from the bottom." She can always get attention by saying "Please spank my bottom, Master.", but more generally, she is expected to tell me what is working, what isn't, to make suggestions of things that would turn her on. She does do this to get her own way, sometimes. Once she invoked John Norman's theory that "the slave girl can say anything, if she is naked and on her knees" to get me to list to the entire list of possible wedding presents she was considering for a niece...

She wasn't into bondage at all - and was horrified that this group had it in the name, but she knew I liked bondage photos. After years of ducking this issue, we made progress when a sore back meant she needed to exercise. "You know, I'd be more interested in exercising with you if we did it with fewer clothes on." "Wow, I bet that pose would be sexy without the clothes." "Can you stretch your arms into this position?" (holding them) "You would be absolutely irresistible in that position if I draped this red exercise tape over you like so." We still don't do 'bondage', but we do wonderful bondage photographs.

A correspondent pointed out that tone of voice is a wonderful trigger, even with a simple word like "mine". I'll grab or touch part of her: "Mine". We both use it. Ordering about? Well, certainly "Cum'mere, You". After a hug and kiss, I can judge pretty reliably if "I expect you to report to the bed with no clothes on in three minutes" would be well received.

Talking explicitly? Her talk was quite vanilla for years. At the suggestion of someone in this group, I tried stopping just before she climaxed a few times and saying "Say, 'Please fuck me hard, Master'". She was hot enough to comply (with reluctance at first) and we went on from there to develop vocabulary and verbal games.

Modes of address? She is much more often "darling" or "lover" than "toy", but the latter is common "in scene". She describes her behavior in bed as "The wild woman from Borneo". When she decides to use "Please Master" and "Yes Master" is up to her, but if I haven't had any in a couple of hours I do remind her that I'd like more.

In the morning I may pick out panties for her, or may let her go without until she asks -- "May I please have some panties, Master?" if she is in that sort of mood, but I may let her get away with "would you please pick out some panties for me?" Of course I may well reply with (or just initiate at some other time) "Would this be a convenient time for for to kiss my feet?" It virtually always is.

Mrs. Thorney wants absolutely -no- abuse or humiliation. Of course, she says, at her age, being told that she is a "hot wet fuck" is praise.